Update on Cole

Sorry this has taken me a little while to post. The last week has been chaotic with Cole's birthday, school letting out, and my big meeting with the school. I am happy to report that things have moved in the right direction. Still a long ways to go for me to be comfortable with Cole at his school, and more importantly for him to feel comfortable. So here goes....

Thursday the 31st my husband and I met with the principle, one of the assistant principles, and one of the school counselors. I was very ready but at the same time I was nervous that I was going to loose my cool and let the emotional mom in me escape. At first I definitely felt as though they were trying to down play what Cole was going through. I got a little defensive and started to get upset. But as I was able to explain what Cole has been going through I could tell their eyes and minds were more open. I expressed the disappointment I had in the school, and the disappointment that a lot of our community has expressed to me in the school. This school has had a bad reputation in the bullying area for a long time, and I tried to express to them how they could be the change. They could turn that school around and be the administration that makes a difference. They listened to my concerns and my ideas for what needs to change. We discussed the cameras, their bullying policies, prevention ideas, and discipline ideas. They expressed what a big challenge this is, and they are completely right. But that does not mean that making a change and it rippling down is impossible. It can be done, and if I don't see some changes happening I was prepared to go to the school board and superintendent, call the local news, and go to the news paper. The issue needs to be addressed and I felt like they were understanding and wanted to see changes also. I am planning to stay in touch with them and also continue to do research to come up with ideas on better prevention and consequence policies.

Then there was Cole's big 12 birthday!! I posted a previous blog expressing to people about Cole's hardships recently and what a special day it could be for Cole if people really told him how special he is and how much he is loved. So Tues I picked him up early to go to lunch and he came out with a big box full of cards. The students and some of the staff at his school hand made him over 100 cards!!! He also got some oreos, candy, and a giant slim jim. The words that these children wrote to Cole were so loving and meant so much. He also received an award at the award assembly that he was not prepared for. It was the "Dory" award, and it reminded him to "keep swimming" and never give up. He was so surprised and in the car he told me that it felt real good that day. He was so happy, and I don't get to see that on his face ever when he leaves school. Then when we got home he had 50+ card that came in the mail. He just could not believe that this many people cared about him and thought such kind thoughts about him. He is still getting cards in the mail each day. I want to thank every single person that shared my blog, wrote and sent him sweet cards, and some even sent small gifts. You will have no idea how good you made him feel, and how good it felt as a mother to see the happiness all over him.

What can you do you ask.....Cole's Birthday!!

The amazing support I have received has blown my mind. But Cole is not feeling that support. He has no idea how many people his story has touched. He knows that I am meeting with the school Thursday, but he has no idea how serious and determined I am to make a difference for him and other children that face the same problems at school.
So this year Cole is not having a big birthday party. He doesn't even want to. But we are taking him and a few other boys to go have a super fun day.
So many people have asked what they can do to help and I have a great idea. Cole turns 12 on June 5th, and I want this day to be so very special for him. It would be such an amazing and shocking surprise for Cole to just be overwhelmed with love, caring, and joy from his peers and anyone that cares for him. So if you have a child that knows Cole please inform him that next Tuesday is his big day. He doesn't even want to go to school that day. Who wants to spend their birthday at a place where you feel tormented constantly. Also if you, your child, your friends, or anyone you know that may be interested would like to send him a card that would be amazing. Please don't say anything about the bullying or negative situations he is going through. Just write loving, happy comments to him. Our address is
3080 Legion Way Broadway VA 22815

I want to thank everyone again for all of their support and encouraging words through all of this.

And the story continues

I have received a lot of feedback from many parents that either go to school at J Frank Hillyard and can relate to this, or has seen it, or parents from other schools that their children have too went through horrible bullying situations. Either way this issue is so far out of hand.
Today Cole came home and just said he can't take school anymore. The crap continues. And it's not always the same kid. Mr. Dylan in 6th grade has put his hands on my son more then once, and today Cole was told not to take it anymore. So we'll see what happens there. I would rather it not go to that, but we can't handle this everyday.
Then there's the girls....what does he do. There's a girl in 6th grade who blocks his locker, calls him weird, and tells him he's scared, you'll get yours too, (took her name off bc of confusion with another young lady). And I don't want this to get physical in any way. I want these kids to feel bad for what they do. I want them to empathize with my son, and others who may not fit in or have many friends. I want their parents to see this and wonder....hmm is that my Dylan, or Olivia, and have a talk with them. Or maybe your child is their friend, and you can talk to them.
I have reached out to administrators and staff about how serious this problem is. I don't just mean for my son. I mean for our school, and all our children. I am taking this to the next level, and I will make sure that moves are made and kids are changed.
I want to see kids full of kindness. Full of love. I want to see other kids filled with happiness. And they will not do it, if we don't help. So please continue to read my blogs so I can keep the story alive. If it can stay alive it will not go silent. This is a big deal. I am looking into successful prevention programs that other schools use and I want to make sure that in Broadway Virginia we are doing all we can to make sure our kids are successful. And I am not sure how all other parents feel, but SOL tests do not define the success of my child. I want my child to be strong for themselves and others. I want them to stand up to bullies. There are adult bullies too. I want my children, and yours to be able to stand in front of God one day and be able to say that they were good to others. Being a caring, kind person is more successful than memorizing the correct facts for a test.

J Frank Hillyard and their role in our story

As this year is coming to a close it has not gotten any easier. The idea of Cole not returning to J Frank Hillyard Middle School has become more of a reality for our family. Are they to blame? No. Could they be doing more? Yes.
Last week my son's head was pushed into a locker and he fell onto the floor and hurt his leg. How did I find out? The school nurse. She was not fully aware of how and what happened but she called to let me know that Cole came to the clinic and was okay. I waited for the assistant principal to call me because that is who  I usually speak with when we have issues. But I received no call that day. That night I even received a personal message from another student who saw the incident happen and said she was going to go to the principal the next day about it. My heart was broken all evening. The more I tried to ask my son about it, the more upset he got. He was so embarrassed. He told me he didn't even want the other boy to get in trouble. He just wanted everyone to forget about it.
The next day I waited till lunch time for the principal to call but she still hadn't so I called her. I was informed that she had been busy and was just starting to talk to both boys and other students to get to the bottom of it. She said she would get back with me as soon as she came to a conclusion. I was okay with that. Didn't hear back from her the rest of the day.
That evening was a Thursday and my husband and I's 10 year wedding anniversary. We took our kids to my parent's house so we could go out to eat. Cole had a rough time. He cried in the bathroom at their house before we left bc the day was horrible. Everyone was talking about what happened, and he was humiliated. We still went to eat and spent the whole meal talking about it and how sad and helpless we both felt. We sat and talked about how we pictured how sad and lonely Cole's days at school were like. We ate, and went straight back to get him.
The following day was Friday and he had an SOL. I knew it was going to be hard for him. To focus on a test that long is already a hard task for Cole because of his autism. And the anxiety of this situation on top of that was going to make it a rough day. One of his teachers allowed Cole to call me after his SOL so I could come pick him up. He is not suppose to miss anymore days but as his mother, I decide if he needs to be there. And if my son is scared and anxious, he is better off with me.
And I appreciate this teacher so very much!
But I heard nothing from the assistant principal again.
The weekend was better because he was home with us. I wrote my 1st blog Friday night and got a lot of amazing feedback.  A lot of people reached out and I realized then that I needed to do more than just talk about it. I want to make a difference. And I am still trying to figure out the best way to do that.
Today was Monday and it kills me to send him back. I pray for all my children, but specifically for children to surround Cole with love and kindness. Around lunch time I reached out to the school and left a message for the assistant principal. As the day went on I was becoming angry that I did not hear from her. I felt as though things were getting swept under the rug. I began this post.
At 3:30 she called. There was a lot of he said/ she said, so getting to the truth is not always so easy. But she did put moves in place to ensure that these two boys not be around each other. That was a great start for me, and I thanked her.
BUT the main issue here is that this is already happening. Bullying needs to be prevented so that these things don't happen. Making changes after the fact is not a solution. There are many students that aren't being taught at home. And many that are. But there needs to be education with kids on how to treat one another. How to fill each other with kindness and love. There are also many kind kids that need to be taught to take a stand against bullies for others. And that is what I am going to work for.
Please share this and help get the word out that something needs to change. Things need to end before they start.

Helpless Mama

When you envision yourself as a parent you don't usually picture the hard times. The sad. The heartbreaking. You dream of the happy moments with your child. Their joy, the memories you'll make. You never dream that your child will have problems...small ones or big ones. You plan to teach your child to be well behaved, honest, and kind. You will teach your child to be nice to others. Not to be a bully. But you don't think about the idea that what if your child is the one being bullied and picked on.
My son Cole has always been one of the biggest joys in our family. His talents and memories of facts and riddles have always amazed me. His unique sense of humor always put smiles on our faces. As the little boy grew there were little things that separated him from his peers. I admired them. I thought that Cole had no fear of being who he was and who he wanted to be. He didn't feel the need to follow the crowd...he didn't like sports and other popular trends that others did, and that was more than ok with me. I wanted Cole to embrace who he was, and always be happy with that.
There are so many wonderful stories to share that would paint the perfect picture of Cole and our journey as a family through his diagnosis of Autism. But that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this to tell you about Cole's struggles through his first year of middle school. His struggles with other kids. His struggles about being accepted for who he is.
There is only one month left of his 6th grade year, and I could not be happier. This year has been quite torturous for him and us as his parents.  For some reason this age really brings out the worse in kids. They are selfish, awkward, and so very unkind. But there are some that are kind, happy, and want to make others feel loved and happy too. The past few years have gotten harder and harder as he has been approaching the preteen years. The older the kids have gotten the more apparent it is that there is a difference between Cole and his peers. And he knows it, and they know it.
Cole's older sister has a lot of friends and keeps quite busy with her friends. Cole would question why she is always going to birthday parties and getting invited to sleepovers while he is not. I wanted to keep her home so he wouldn't feel left out, but I can't punish her because her brother has autism. I would try to set up play dates and sleepovers for him, and would go through my contacts desperately trying to get with friends that had kids that my son could possibly play with. And there were almost always invited to our house. "Why can't I spend the night at their house?" he would ask. I couldn't tell him that he just didn't get invited. I had to try to go over the top to make our house fun so he would enjoy having kids over. But these kids were mostly relatives or kids of my friends. It was rare that he made friends at school and outside gatherings would happen. There were so many birthday parties where only a few would come. Again, mostly my friends and relatives. The last few years his parties would be at the swimming pool because it seemed to lure kids in. A trip to the pool, not necessarily a trip to Cole's birthday party. Cole would light up when the pool would fill with kids from school. I would literally come eat lunch with him and bring a handful of invitations, and give them to almost everyone in his grade. We'd be lucky to have 15-20 come.
This year has barely been completed. We have picked him up so much or allowed him to stay home so much that he is not allowed to miss any more days of school, even though he is an honor roll student. But when your child hates school and feels so out of place it is hard to force them to go. He doesn't like to talk a lot about school because he recently told me that he doesn't want me to think that there is something wrong with him. He often eats alone at lunch, walks alone in the halls, sits alone at gym while the other kids play, and is treated like Forrest Gump on the school bus because everyone says "you can't sit here." I had his teacher tell me the other day that she offered to walk around the track with him during recess. Kind of her, but who really wants that as an 11 year old.
This is just a quick idea of school for our family. But this isn't even a crack in the door. Cole has talked of suicide, been pushed down multiple times, called lots of names, head into the locker, basketball to the nose....bleeding, cursed at, laughed at, and spends most of the day with his thoughts while other kids laugh, share stories and fun. My husband and I just spent our 10th anniversary out to dinner talking the whole time about how heartbreaking it is for us to imagine what a day is like for our son.
I am going to continue to blog on this subject because things need to change. I am going to share some of Cole's experiences, good and bad. I am going to share good things that the school has done and try to do, and things that the school desperately need to work on. The anti-bullying idea has become more talked about...but that is just it. It is only being talked about. There needs to be more action. Kids NEED to learn how to treat other kids. How to be kind. How to love. Empathy. And I am going to make it my mission to make sure that things change. Please share this with everyone you know. I want parents to read this and talk with their kids. They need to be told more that just not to be a bully. They need to learn how to stand up for, speak up for, and be friends with everyone. My motto is now: STAND UP SPEAK UP AND LOVE UP

This journey is going to be sad and I will be sharing my heart and tears with you. Please join me in making a difference by accepting and promoting difference!!

Mama got a big ol belly!

I don't know if it's women in general, or just bc I suffer with an eating disorder, but I analyze my body like some brutal enemy. Even worse than my doing that, is that I do it so often, it became normal. Like there was something wrong with me it I didn't do it.
Here's how it typically went....
   I am going to get in touch with myself....ewe don't look. That was me telling myself not to look. When I would undress to shower I avoided looking in the mirror. Why, bc that is not what the sexy ladies look like in the movies/tv. For those that are saying to themselves right now that no one really looks like that.....well uh yea they do. They are right there on the tv...I see them. Yea I get the retouched photos, but I see a lot of sexy women that aren't retouched.
    I have overeaten so much in my life that I have gut rolls in places that I don't think are meant to 'roll'. I have always told myself that if I lost my belly fat, I'd be happy. I still believe that would be true. I don't know bc I have never been able to loose that gut. Yuck!
    That wasn't all tho. I hate my hair, my acne, my teeth, my scars. Why have I hated so much for so long? I am not sure when all that happened. I rem hating my fat gut when I was younger. But I look at pics now, and wish I had that ole gut, not the one I am hauling around now.
But I am in recovery, right? So why do I still have these thoughts? I am eating better, taking better care of my diabetes, but my head, it's gotten worse. I am so mad at myself. For what I was, what I did, how weak I was/am. If my brain doesn't start following the path that my body is trying to take in this recovery struggle, will I ever really consider myself an ED recoverer?

THEN......
   The other day I forced myself to look in the mirror. Now I don't mean look in the mirror. I obviously do that all the time. But I mean really 'look' into the mirror. I got down to my panties, and I really examined my body, myself. And it looked the same. Same fat rolls, same cellulite, all those imperfections. But I finally saw something that I have never saw before. I saw an amazing piece of machinery. I saw my body move with my breaths. I could see my heart beat, my freckles, and all the scars that my body carries. I looked at them and thought of how long ago those wounds occurred, and how hard my diabetic body has fought to heal them. I touched my feet, parts numb from nerve damage that I couldn't even feel. And I was amazed. I couldn't believe that something that has been tortured and beaten down so hard, so much, could still be fighting for her life. And she was. And she was hard. I saw that fat belly, and for the 1st time ever I smiled at her. I didn't wonder this time why I have diabetes. I thanked God that my body is strong enough to handle diabetes. B/c of my disease, and my ED I can handle so much. I have a super high pain tolerance, and I can understand so much about myself, in and out. But I got scared. I stopped and thought how much this body has really been thru, and how much more she could honestly take. I am doing way better these last few months, but has what I done for almost a decade been too much? Only time will tell.
But I do tell myself that God makes no mistakes. Even though it is still very hard for me to accept this ol girl for what she is, I know that diabetes, EDs, gray hair, bad skin, none of that is a mess up. That is how I am intended to be, and I may not see why now, I know there is a reason. And I just hope that I don't let moment pass me by.

All the women up in me!

Ok, so if you must know I have a few girls up in here....There's the girl in my head, that bitch!! Then there's the girl that is my body. I think I have kicked her ass and hid her away a few times. Actually I was pretty sure I killed that one. Still not real sure I haven't. Then there's that diabetic chick, still trying to build her back up. And last is that pretend girl on the outside that everyone has seen over the last almost 10 years. She is the one I want to kill now. I want to find that body girl, and swap her with the one on the outside. For along time I didn't realize there were more than one lady up in here. The truth here is that there were more all along, but that outer girl ran the show. She was pretty much the asshole captain of this ship. The head girl was the VP, the body girl and diabetic girl were the punching bags, and the heart girl, me, was the pushover. 

Starting with that outer Steph. She is that funny, tough woman that everyone thought I was. She actually was far from tough, or strong. She was sick. She tried to smile, but inside she was pissed. She was pissed she had diabetes. She said screw diabetes, and she helped me pretend I didn't have it. So bc I was always feeling crappy with high blood sugars, she was irritable, frustrated, and a bitch. That I had mistaken for tough and strong. Yea my friends overtime knew the truth with that, but my family saw that person way too much...my parents, brother, husband, ad unfortunately my kids too. 

Then that head. She was/is all about enforcing that outer girl. She loved to eat whatever and whenever, and damn I could drop the lbs like crazy. But over time it was hard to prove that I was kicking the fitness world's ass to loose weight bc I had a hard time walking up my driveway. It's ok, bc I was skinny!! Yay me!

Then that body girl. She has been gone for so long, I don't even remember her. I am pretty sure I have never liked to workout, was always hungry, I never felt good, and sure that I would always feel that way. As for that diabetic girl...I missed her. Honestly I want her back bc she reminds me of who I am.  I don't want her to control me, but I do want her to remind me that she can be taken care of, and we can live together. 

Then there is me, my heart. I have always had such a great heart. I love people, and I want to always help and do things for people. But sometimes that head girl just won't allow me to. She would kick body's ass, and tell me I couldn't do certain things. She would remind me that I was angry, and that that person there, (whoever the unlucky person near by was) was the reason I am mad right now. There was always someone to blame....bc we know it wasn't me!

So I could really tell some good stories about all these women, but the point I wanted to share was who they are, what they have done, and how I am now, and in the future going to deal with them. So I have been fighting that head for a long time now, and most of the time she wins. But I have went from loosing every single time, to winning every now and then. And I see those wins just increasing more and more until the losses happen only sometimes, to never. And that bitch will hopefully be gone. In order to beat her, I had to break down that outer girl. How did that happen? Well opening myself up, this, to other women about what and who I am. To unleash my shame and admit to everyone what I have become. It was hard at first bc people that knew me, that wasn't real close would have never known this demon I held inside. She is still there some too, but she's got one foot in the grave. That body girl is so sick. She is so weak. Fixing her is so slow. And the more I see how weak she is, the more I want to fix her. But why the hell is this so hard? My body doesn't want to fight anymore. She wants to rest. She is in pain. My body suffers so much when I workout. I look around me and I see others burning, but I want to fall and cry and quit. But I haven't yet, bc I have so many times, and this is why she is so weak. It is hard to build her up. It is way to slow of a process, but I will not let her fall and hide anymore. For her to get fixed, the diabetic girl must get fixed too. I got all excited about bringing her back. I got a new blood glucose meter that talks, so there is no hiding a high sugar. And I love it. All excited like a new toy. I like to brag to my husband when we see those good sugar levels. I take so many meds for pain, I know that eventually these 2 ladies are going to get off all that bc they will be strong. 

Last there is me, my heart. She hurts so bad sometimes bc she is ashamed at how weak she really is. She sees her family, and she sees how much bs they have dealt with bc of me, and how much they will have to in our futures bc of me. As I type this my heart is so heavy, my eyes full of tears, and I keep telling myself not to give up, to fight, for them. Where I use to have no hope, the hope has shown up. She leaves sometimes, but she keeps coming back telling me that God is allowing me to suffer so I can help someone else someday. I will beat this, and this will be a story of my past. But it is hard, harder than I can try to explain. As this woman tries to come back to the front of who I am, I am finding parts of me that I forgot all about. I was so use to being angry, I forgot how awesome I really was. I forgot how happy and fun this woman is. I love her, and so does my family!

Only with God have I made it this far, and with God I will beat this!