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Friday, November 8, 2013

Relapse

I look at my ED (eating disorder) in the same way I look at people that have problems with drugs/alcohol. They have addictions, and they struggle certain days, and they are successful certain days. But the torment of their addiction is always in the back of their mind. I struggle just the same. I love food. I love to eat, and I like to eat when bored, happy, sad, mad, and socially. I love to cook, and I love to cook and bake with my kids. Being diabetic you become obsessed with food....what I can/cannot eat, healthy foods, 'bad' foods, and then monitoring insulin to go along with that. That obsession got out of control, and I became an over eater. But for a long time no one knew because I was loosing weight at the same time, (by not taking care of my diabetes). But I was looking skinny doing it, so the fact that I was killing myself was ok. I always had the concept that I had time to start taking care of my health before I got bad. No matter what my Dr said,  my test results, the pain I was in, the pain my family was in, the hospital stays, surgeries on my eyes, teeth being destroyed, hair falling out, bones falling apart, exhausted and neglecting my kids, I was skinny. That became the priority, as shameful as that was. Dec of 2012 I was almost dead and in ICU, and after countless times of saying this was is, I am going to get my life back on track, and get healthy. So for the last year I have improved more than I have since I developed an ED. But I am not even half way where I need to be on my road to recovery. But like an alcoholic or drug addict I too relapse. The holiday season is really hard for me because I love to eat, socialize, and cook. Halloween started me off. So much chocolate, and it seemed like an endless pile of it that my kids brought in. I knew ahead of time what starting eating that would do for my weight, so I started it, without the insulin. And it went on for days. As I ate this candy I lost a few pounds. Wow! How easy it was, but quickly I physically felt horrible. My couldn't keep up with my life and I hit bottom again. But I have learned not to let a lapse, turn into a collapse. So here I am picking myself back up, and holding strong to the desire to beat this struggle, to defeat it, and talk about my ED as part of my past, not my life. I have better things to use for that.
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