All the women up in me!

Ok, so if you must know I have a few girls up in here....There's the girl in my head, that bitch!! Then there's the girl that is my body. I think I have kicked her ass and hid her away a few times. Actually I was pretty sure I killed that one. Still not real sure I haven't. Then there's that diabetic chick, still trying to build her back up. And last is that pretend girl on the outside that everyone has seen over the last almost 10 years. She is the one I want to kill now. I want to find that body girl, and swap her with the one on the outside. For along time I didn't realize there were more than one lady up in here. The truth here is that there were more all along, but that outer girl ran the show. She was pretty much the asshole captain of this ship. The head girl was the VP, the body girl and diabetic girl were the punching bags, and the heart girl, me, was the pushover. 

Starting with that outer Steph. She is that funny, tough woman that everyone thought I was. She actually was far from tough, or strong. She was sick. She tried to smile, but inside she was pissed. She was pissed she had diabetes. She said screw diabetes, and she helped me pretend I didn't have it. So bc I was always feeling crappy with high blood sugars, she was irritable, frustrated, and a bitch. That I had mistaken for tough and strong. Yea my friends overtime knew the truth with that, but my family saw that person way too much...my parents, brother, husband, ad unfortunately my kids too. 

Then that head. She was/is all about enforcing that outer girl. She loved to eat whatever and whenever, and damn I could drop the lbs like crazy. But over time it was hard to prove that I was kicking the fitness world's ass to loose weight bc I had a hard time walking up my driveway. It's ok, bc I was skinny!! Yay me!

Then that body girl. She has been gone for so long, I don't even remember her. I am pretty sure I have never liked to workout, was always hungry, I never felt good, and sure that I would always feel that way. As for that diabetic girl...I missed her. Honestly I want her back bc she reminds me of who I am.  I don't want her to control me, but I do want her to remind me that she can be taken care of, and we can live together. 

Then there is me, my heart. I have always had such a great heart. I love people, and I want to always help and do things for people. But sometimes that head girl just won't allow me to. She would kick body's ass, and tell me I couldn't do certain things. She would remind me that I was angry, and that that person there, (whoever the unlucky person near by was) was the reason I am mad right now. There was always someone to blame....bc we know it wasn't me!

So I could really tell some good stories about all these women, but the point I wanted to share was who they are, what they have done, and how I am now, and in the future going to deal with them. So I have been fighting that head for a long time now, and most of the time she wins. But I have went from loosing every single time, to winning every now and then. And I see those wins just increasing more and more until the losses happen only sometimes, to never. And that bitch will hopefully be gone. In order to beat her, I had to break down that outer girl. How did that happen? Well opening myself up, this, to other women about what and who I am. To unleash my shame and admit to everyone what I have become. It was hard at first bc people that knew me, that wasn't real close would have never known this demon I held inside. She is still there some too, but she's got one foot in the grave. That body girl is so sick. She is so weak. Fixing her is so slow. And the more I see how weak she is, the more I want to fix her. But why the hell is this so hard? My body doesn't want to fight anymore. She wants to rest. She is in pain. My body suffers so much when I workout. I look around me and I see others burning, but I want to fall and cry and quit. But I haven't yet, bc I have so many times, and this is why she is so weak. It is hard to build her up. It is way to slow of a process, but I will not let her fall and hide anymore. For her to get fixed, the diabetic girl must get fixed too. I got all excited about bringing her back. I got a new blood glucose meter that talks, so there is no hiding a high sugar. And I love it. All excited like a new toy. I like to brag to my husband when we see those good sugar levels. I take so many meds for pain, I know that eventually these 2 ladies are going to get off all that bc they will be strong. 

Last there is me, my heart. She hurts so bad sometimes bc she is ashamed at how weak she really is. She sees her family, and she sees how much bs they have dealt with bc of me, and how much they will have to in our futures bc of me. As I type this my heart is so heavy, my eyes full of tears, and I keep telling myself not to give up, to fight, for them. Where I use to have no hope, the hope has shown up. She leaves sometimes, but she keeps coming back telling me that God is allowing me to suffer so I can help someone else someday. I will beat this, and this will be a story of my past. But it is hard, harder than I can try to explain. As this woman tries to come back to the front of who I am, I am finding parts of me that I forgot all about. I was so use to being angry, I forgot how awesome I really was. I forgot how happy and fun this woman is. I love her, and so does my family!

Only with God have I made it this far, and with God I will beat this!

This shall pass

Well it's 2 weeks into the new year, and coincidently that was when I decided to bust ass to get this life together....fat or not. And I have been doing really good. I have to fight the urges to binge, and I guess I will always love food, and want to eat and enjoy it. But I am having a hard time disconnecting  having a moment of enjoying some yummy junk food and taking my insulin. I went so many years with the belief that if I eat a bunch of crap, that if I don't take my shot, it will kind of go away and I won't gain weight. Even tho that way was killing me bc I was letting my sugar run extremly high. So now all of a sudden, I am trying to eat healthy and take my shots. The problem is that I love eating healthy, but when I want to have some crap, I feel like I just can't. And that is not the case!! I can, but then I feel like I will gain, so I immediatly don't want to take my shot. I relate unhealthy food as 'bad' and that means no shot...which is bad. Healthy food is good, and taking my shot it good. See the connection? My husband is trying to keep reminding me that I can eat the food, just take the shot...and that is good. So even tho I am taking my shots, I am gaining weight, and I have always looked at that as, bad. Another thing about recovery from diabulimia is insulin edema. This is when your body puffs up bc it has been so dehydrated, now on insulin it wants to hold all that water in. I thought I missed it this time, but WHAMM!!! I be puffy right now. But like my mom says, your kids would rather have a fat mama, than a skinny dead one. So I keep telling myself that when I start to get discouraged.
This will pass.
I have also not had any pop for 2 weeks! And if you know me, that is huge. Don't rem the last time I went that long without any pop! It wasn't even that I was trying to quit, just cut back. But after I did so good, I decided just to stick with it.
I have also been doing lots of working out, yoga, biking, walking, and a few workout videos. I even park in the farthest place at school, so I have to walk more. From my car, to class, and back it is over a mile.
And speaking class, I started back this week, and oh it feels so good to be back out and productive.
So it's not always easy, but I am doing so so good, and I appreciate all the support.

My Ah Haa Moment

I have struggled with my ED for about 8 years now, and only when I was pregnant with my children and when I was suffering from massive Diabetic Nuropathy have I taken better control of my diabetes than I am right now. As I say that I must say that this has only been since Wed, so this being my 6th day. That is pretty crazy to think that going on only 6 days is a big deal. But it is!!! My normal personal victories usually lasted hours, and a day or two at the longest. I could start my days good, make it through lunch, and if I made it till dinner, I would usually collaspe at night when I finally had time for myself. So almost every day I 'failed' and I hated myself for that. And instead of forgiving myself and moving on, I would dwell on it, and repeatidly tell myself how bad and weak I was. But tomorrow is a new day, a new start, and I should just enjoy all the food I want tonight so tomorrow I can be healthy.....that was how it usually worked every time.
Now if you think about what Wed was, you might assume that bc it was New Years Day that was my resolution or the reason that I am doing good. Well truthfully it had nothing to do with it. It was just a coincidense. But here is what really went down in my life and in my head.....
So New Years Eve I had a long, inspiring phone call with +Asha Brown , (which I already blogged about before). And every time we talk she really motivates me and gives me that boost of confidence that I need to either get going, or keep going. I got off the phone with her that day with a little different of a feeling. Well the feeling was the same, but there was something attached to that. Something that told me deep inside that it was different this time. This time that motivation wasn't going to wear off after a few days. I also that day just finished reading Eating to Lose by Maryjeanne Hunt. She was a diabetic and had also suffered with Diabulimia, and she recovered. Now for years I was 100% convinced that I could not beat my ED, that it was how I would eventually die. Hopeless. But when I started to find other women that had it, and beat it, I started to have that glimmer of hope. It grew, and grew, and as it got bigger, my choice to fight it got stronger. So here I was going into the night with a lot of inspiration and hope. Then just a little before midnight, (building up for it all night with the kids) I had some sort of emotional breakdown. My heart hurt, my mind hurt, and all these emotions that my ED covered came pouring out. I wanted to leave and be alone. So I decided I would escape to my parent's house about a mile away. Suddenly both my kids lost it also. They were too bawling, and screaming for me not to do. I wasn't exactly sure why they were so scared for me to leave, but later my daughter told me she thought I was 'leaving'....for good. As I was walking out the door I saw this look on her face of complete sadness and hurt. I can't even explain it. You see your children cry a lot through their life, but this was different. She was hysterical! I stopped, and came back in. I wasn't trying to upset my kids or husband, but I did.
Now in my blog, Dad, I wrote about my dad telling me to picture the hurt on my kid's faces as they lower me into the ground. And that was a hard image to picture. I tried, and it was a horrible thought. But it didn't hit me as hard as it did Tues night when I saw it on my daughter's face. And I thought, that is what they are going to be like when I selfishly die and leave them as young children without their mommy.
And like a bucket of water thrown in my face, I was awoke. Suddenly I was different, and that was it!
Now I've had moments where I have declared a new start, and they dwindle. Or I will do pretty good, but as soon as I get nervous about the weight I skip a shot, then 2, 3, then back to normal behaviors. But I have not skipped or taken less than recommened insulin since I woke up Wed. I poured my heart out to my husband, and he knows how much I need his support, and he has vowed to push and pull me through.
I don't want to set myself up for failure, and I know that the thoughts of omitting my insulin will happen. But I will not!!!!! No matter how fat my ass gets, my husband and my kids will love it!!!

A Look Back

As I was on the phone with my best supporter, +Asha Brown yesterday, I always get a good perspective of where I am and where I use to be. And that woman can really be am amazing eye-opener. It's like watching a child or pet grow right before your eyes but you don't see the changes physically take place. But when you look at a photograph of the far or even near past you notice so many changes. That is what Asha does for me!!
When you are in a constant battle with something it is very easy to focus on how hard it is, or has been. It is easy to see how many times you have failed. The more you continue to remind yourself of how hard something is, and how much you fail at it, the more you beat yourself...down, down, and down some more. And when I am down it just gets harder and harder. And as you can see the circle of defeat, difficulty, and depression gets thicker and thicker. THEN, something or someone can help you so much by opening your eyes to these times where you have kicked this battle's ass!!!! It might not be every time, and it may only be a small battle, but you still did it!!! And yes you may have failed some, but you didn't fail all. And something that +Asha Brown said to me yesterday was even if you aren't taking a big step forward, if you are only treading water and staying in the same place, you are STILL not going back. And that is a success, and that really is a step forward!!!
So what happens when she pops a hole in my thick circle? All that shit that ha piled up against me kind blows away. Now I'll be damned if it doesn't slowly start to pile up again, (but that's when we talk again, and she breaks in for me again), but for now I am pumped up, motivated, and proud of myself for how far I have came.
I have mountains to climb up and down before I consider myself recoverd from my ED, but when I stop and take a look back this is what I see....
     Almost 5 years ago I was 100lbs and in the worse physical pain I can imagine
    Carried a freezer bag of Rx
    3 years ago I had lost so much fat and muscle my butt was literally inverted 
    I couldn't even walk at ani incline with out thinking I would collaspe
   1 1/2 years ago my ankle began to chip away and I was in a boot for 6 months....breaking 
   1 year ago I was carried into the ER almost dead spending days in the ICU
   Jan 2013 (30 yrs old) I was preparing to have cataract surgery in both my eyes
   6 months ago I weighed 150lbs and was so afraid....but was healthier
   3 months ago I am learning to eat and exercise for my health not my weight
NOW...
I am terrified of what I still have to do to beat this. I am at a level weight that is right for my body. I am able to enjoy playing and being active with my children is fabulous, not exhausting. I have opened up my life and story to anyone that wants to hear it, and am determined to use this war to help someone else. It is all worth it if I can one day help someone pull threw it like +Asha Brown has done  for me.
I thank God for bringing Asha into my life to pull and push me up and down these mountains of war to get me in recovery and one day be fully recovered!!

A Mother's impact!

A big question that I find a lot of us with any kind of eating disorder asks ourselves is why and how did I turn out like this. You hear about people with EDs and you just think, what the hell is wrong with them. Just stop! Then one day you look in the mirror and that person is now you. You didn't even notice it happening.  It feels like you just woke up one day and this blanet of an ED is smothering you.

I have thought about it for years, what happened to make me like this? When did it happen? Who possibly had such a stong influance over my life to push me, (maybe a little, maybe a lot) to be so insecure, and think that weight and appearance is so important? Some times I feel like trying to 'blame' someone else is the coward's way out. I feel like pointing a finger at someone else is justifying my shameful behavior. The truth is there are many factors that can lead a person to pick up this horrible, painful issue. BUT.........

I have talked to so many ladies that are suffering from some kind of ED or body issues since I have put myself out there, and opened up about my struggle. I have blogged before about how so many women that I may know decent, or just know of them, or even complete strangers have opened up to me about some sort of inner demon they have, and most of them are about their bodies. The one thing that they all have in common is that they have reasons to feel that their mother's have contributed to them developing their insecurities. 

Some of their mothers did it so innocently, like just the constant weighing themselves, talking about dieting, talking about their weight, comments about other women's weight and appearnace, good or bad. Some moms even ate completely different food than what the rest of their family ate. Then there are other mothers who were more intense with pushing their daughters to insecurities. It could be telling them something negative about their appearance, or needing to loose weight. Even joking around about it, sometimes infront of others. There are moms that put their children on diets, put them down if they weren't skinny enough, making them feel less important and loved because they didn't meet up to their standards. 

I see how my relationship with my mother has had certain affects on me, and I know she never meant to give me any insecurities. But for my whole life, and memories of my mother, she constantly complained about her weight. Every morning she would weight herself right before her bath, (she probable still does today). She did weight watchers, and has wrote down her points for the longest time. She probably still does today. Oprah's new way of trying to loose weight was the new plan. On the phone with friends and sisters, complaining about her weight. Insecure of her body at the beach. I never saw her love her body. And my dad would pick on her about any extra weight she would gain. And this whole time, my bother and I were never taught about food control. My brother and I were both chubby, all of our family pets were fat too. We had no restrictions on food. We ate whatever we want, whenever we wanted. My favorite was cereal as I laid in bed. My aunt would make cakes, and I would get all the extra icing in containers to just eat by the spoonful. My brother and I would whip up a batch of cookie dough, just to eat, no baking. I heard about how small she was as a teen, when she was pregnant, and it seemed as if her whole adult life, she was never happy with herself, all because of a few extra lbs. What does that do to a daughter, and a son? Well it definitly teaches you what is important....the wrong things. And as for my brother, he's on the other side of the spectrum. That's a whole other blog. 

So I look back now, and I can connect this as a part of me and what I have become. But that is not the whole reason, and I don't know if I will ever know the whole reason. Sadly I do the same things that she did. I use to weigh myself all the time, had to toss that scale. I know I have talked many times about my weight, or others in front of my kids, thinking they don't pay attention to that. But they do. Since I am diabetic, they do know that certain foods are more unhealthy for me that others, so I use that for healthy talk. I never tell them certain foods will make them gain weight, but I try to use healthy and unhealthy for our bodies talk. But there is such a fine line. I don't want them to ever have an out of control food problem like me, but I also don't want them to have to struggle with their weight. I don't want them to think that size is a factor in how beautiful a person is. 

I don't want them to be me. 

Living the guilty life

Secrets only remain secrets for so long. Sometimes that can be a long long time, and sometimes that can be a short while. It seemed like the secret that I have a crazy eating disorder remained a secret to most people for a long time. It felt like an eternity that I was holding all that in, (the ones closest to me figured it out sooner). The secret of an ED isn't one secret, bc you have to use secrets and lies to cover the big secret. Those lies an secrets just keep branching out more and more, and you can't even remember what they are anymore, and who does and does not know the truth.
For a long time people close to me thought I was bulimic. Who can eat like I do, and not gain weight...someone that throws up their food, that's who. This was a belief bc my ED, Diabulimia, is not out there in the media like bulimia and anorexia. To add to that belief was that I did have stomach issues. Bac in 2009 I suffered the most horrible pain and experience of my life. I got very intense diabetic neuropathy. My definition is a very long one bc I suffered with this for almost a year, and I was ready for someone to end my life if I had to live in that misery forever. But here is Mayo clinic's def...

Depending on the affected nerves, symptoms of diabetic neuropathy can range from pain and numbness in your extremities to problems with your digestive system, urinary tract, blood vessels and heart. For some people, these symptoms are mild; for others, diabetic neuropathy can be painful, disabling and even fatal.

I got the worse of all they list here, and even though mine reversed a lot, I still have trouble with most of this today. One is the digestive system. When a normal person eats till they are full, they just feel a little discomfort. I eat till I am full, and I suffer with hours of pain and misery in my stomach, and a lot of the time, I end up vomiting food, drink, and acid. So with my eating addiction, this does happen often. 

Now to get back on track of living the guilty life...

So my mind works like this..it's Christmas, and part of the holiday season is making Christmas goodies. That's normal, right? What kind of mommy would I be if we didn't make cookies. So yesterday evening we didn't have girls scouts, boyscouts, gymnastics, basketball, so we planned to make cookies and homemade pizza, and eat dinner infront of the tv watching a Christmas Story. I want to always do fun stuff, (part of my guilt for all the times I am sick). As we mae the cookies, I have my fair, or unfair, taste of cookie dough. Then as they come out of the oven I must taste them to make sure they turned out ok. As we are making out pizza I am still ensuring the turnout of the cookies, and since I was a child I loved to eat pizza dough. So I am now trying that, and sampling the sausage, cheese, and pepperoni. This goes on until we are sitting down to eat. Now as part of the secrecy I am doing all this tasting w/out any witnesses. I don't want my kids to see bc I don't want them to think that behavior is ok. I don't want my husband to see bc he will 'bust' me. So I eat the smallest portion of pizza....look everyone, I am not over eating. As the movie is one my stomach is in misery. I feel horrible, to put it lightly. By a little after 8pm I am in the bathroom throwing up all that slop. This is not me forcing it. This is how my body deals with all that food. Then I am in bed by 830. My husband has to clean everything up, tuck the kids in, while I suffer from my selfish ways. The sadest of all, is this is normal for my kids to see, so they have no reaction. 

Then this am, my husband says to me, I think we need to quit with the baking cookies!!! WHAT!!! But I only had 3. He then says I don't think it was the pizza, and you def had more than 3. And I don't even think it's the cookies as much as the dough.        This whole time, I thought he wasn't aware of what I was doing, but he was. So all these crazy habits I have, that I try to hide, they aren't really hidden. My parents, my friends, my husband all sees what I am doing. 

And if they all see it, my kids must too. 

retrain my brain

When you get to the point of all that first step is accepting you have a problem stuff, well then what's step 2? I have found that I repeat that first step over and over and yep over again. And when you are trying to fix your problem on your own, (without professional help) how do you figure out what the next steps of healing are? I have talked to others, did research, learn about it in classes I take in school, read books, but I have no idea how to fix myself. If you were to ask me a question about recovery I would be able to give you some good educated answere on the 'correct' way to eat, think, and move on from a life of abuse. But damn it if it's another one of those situations of easier said than done.
Specifically how do you retrain the brain?
For years and years now I have been able to eat what/whenever I want and not only not gain, but loose weight. So eating carbs, cakes, candy, and all the stuff that is oh so good, was automatically connected with no insulin, and weight loss. Well now that I am always trying to restart this healthy life, I see it as only 2 ways....
1. Eat super healthy. Lots of fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean proteins, nice moderate exercise. This is the way to be healthy. And when I live like this taking my insulin and maintaining my diabetes is easy. But sticking to this way is not always so easy for me.
2. Have that treat you want sometimes, lets say cookies. But for all these years the cookie food is connected with no insulin, high blood sugar, and weight loss.
I look at these foods that will fall into option 2 as bad food. Bad food=no insulin=killing myself=fail....again. This happens so much. Always being told, bad, fail. I can't seperate these thougths from these foods. I don't know why. I can't accept that I can have these treats in moderation, take my shots, and learn to be like every other person out there. Moderation?? I haven't had to practice that well in a long long time.
All these thoughts in your head  all the time remind you that you're crazy. What they hoot is wrong with me?If people only saw inside my mind, and could hear these ideas that I come up with, they would think, know, I am crazy.
Well this week I was talking to a dear friend of mine that has suffered with the same problems I do. Diabetes, eating disorder, and she has been in recovery for a long time. And wouldn't you know she was very familiar with this exact thought process. She too had at one time, only had these 2 options for food choices. She faught them, and overtime she won. They went away. And she now enjoys her treats.....in moderation. She enjoys them, and she should!!
I wasn't alone. When you have these horrible inner demons tormenting you, you can't imagine that other people think like you do. But they do. Everyone has some kind of inner demon. To know that you're not alone, and others have beat this shit, is the best feeling.