I don't know if it's women in general, or just bc I suffer with an eating disorder, but I analyze my body like some brutal enemy. Even worse than my doing that, is that I do it so often, it became normal. Like there was something wrong with me it I didn't do it.
Here's how it typically went....
I am going to get in touch with myself....ewe don't look. That was me telling myself not to look. When I would undress to shower I avoided looking in the mirror. Why, bc that is not what the sexy ladies look like in the movies/tv. For those that are saying to themselves right now that no one really looks like that.....well uh yea they do. They are right there on the tv...I see them. Yea I get the retouched photos, but I see a lot of sexy women that aren't retouched.
I have overeaten so much in my life that I have gut rolls in places that I don't think are meant to 'roll'. I have always told myself that if I lost my belly fat, I'd be happy. I still believe that would be true. I don't know bc I have never been able to loose that gut. Yuck!
That wasn't all tho. I hate my hair, my acne, my teeth, my scars. Why have I hated so much for so long? I am not sure when all that happened. I rem hating my fat gut when I was younger. But I look at pics now, and wish I had that ole gut, not the one I am hauling around now.
But I am in recovery, right? So why do I still have these thoughts? I am eating better, taking better care of my diabetes, but my head, it's gotten worse. I am so mad at myself. For what I was, what I did, how weak I was/am. If my brain doesn't start following the path that my body is trying to take in this recovery struggle, will I ever really consider myself an ED recoverer?
THEN......
The other day I forced myself to look in the mirror. Now I don't mean look in the mirror. I obviously do that all the time. But I mean really 'look' into the mirror. I got down to my panties, and I really examined my body, myself. And it looked the same. Same fat rolls, same cellulite, all those imperfections. But I finally saw something that I have never saw before. I saw an amazing piece of machinery. I saw my body move with my breaths. I could see my heart beat, my freckles, and all the scars that my body carries. I looked at them and thought of how long ago those wounds occurred, and how hard my diabetic body has fought to heal them. I touched my feet, parts numb from nerve damage that I couldn't even feel. And I was amazed. I couldn't believe that something that has been tortured and beaten down so hard, so much, could still be fighting for her life. And she was. And she was hard. I saw that fat belly, and for the 1st time ever I smiled at her. I didn't wonder this time why I have diabetes. I thanked God that my body is strong enough to handle diabetes. B/c of my disease, and my ED I can handle so much. I have a super high pain tolerance, and I can understand so much about myself, in and out. But I got scared. I stopped and thought how much this body has really been thru, and how much more she could honestly take. I am doing way better these last few months, but has what I done for almost a decade been too much? Only time will tell.
But I do tell myself that God makes no mistakes. Even though it is still very hard for me to accept this ol girl for what she is, I know that diabetes, EDs, gray hair, bad skin, none of that is a mess up. That is how I am intended to be, and I may not see why now, I know there is a reason. And I just hope that I don't let moment pass me by.
