Mama got a big ol belly!

I don't know if it's women in general, or just bc I suffer with an eating disorder, but I analyze my body like some brutal enemy. Even worse than my doing that, is that I do it so often, it became normal. Like there was something wrong with me it I didn't do it.
Here's how it typically went....
   I am going to get in touch with myself....ewe don't look. That was me telling myself not to look. When I would undress to shower I avoided looking in the mirror. Why, bc that is not what the sexy ladies look like in the movies/tv. For those that are saying to themselves right now that no one really looks like that.....well uh yea they do. They are right there on the tv...I see them. Yea I get the retouched photos, but I see a lot of sexy women that aren't retouched.
    I have overeaten so much in my life that I have gut rolls in places that I don't think are meant to 'roll'. I have always told myself that if I lost my belly fat, I'd be happy. I still believe that would be true. I don't know bc I have never been able to loose that gut. Yuck!
    That wasn't all tho. I hate my hair, my acne, my teeth, my scars. Why have I hated so much for so long? I am not sure when all that happened. I rem hating my fat gut when I was younger. But I look at pics now, and wish I had that ole gut, not the one I am hauling around now.
But I am in recovery, right? So why do I still have these thoughts? I am eating better, taking better care of my diabetes, but my head, it's gotten worse. I am so mad at myself. For what I was, what I did, how weak I was/am. If my brain doesn't start following the path that my body is trying to take in this recovery struggle, will I ever really consider myself an ED recoverer?

THEN......
   The other day I forced myself to look in the mirror. Now I don't mean look in the mirror. I obviously do that all the time. But I mean really 'look' into the mirror. I got down to my panties, and I really examined my body, myself. And it looked the same. Same fat rolls, same cellulite, all those imperfections. But I finally saw something that I have never saw before. I saw an amazing piece of machinery. I saw my body move with my breaths. I could see my heart beat, my freckles, and all the scars that my body carries. I looked at them and thought of how long ago those wounds occurred, and how hard my diabetic body has fought to heal them. I touched my feet, parts numb from nerve damage that I couldn't even feel. And I was amazed. I couldn't believe that something that has been tortured and beaten down so hard, so much, could still be fighting for her life. And she was. And she was hard. I saw that fat belly, and for the 1st time ever I smiled at her. I didn't wonder this time why I have diabetes. I thanked God that my body is strong enough to handle diabetes. B/c of my disease, and my ED I can handle so much. I have a super high pain tolerance, and I can understand so much about myself, in and out. But I got scared. I stopped and thought how much this body has really been thru, and how much more she could honestly take. I am doing way better these last few months, but has what I done for almost a decade been too much? Only time will tell.
But I do tell myself that God makes no mistakes. Even though it is still very hard for me to accept this ol girl for what she is, I know that diabetes, EDs, gray hair, bad skin, none of that is a mess up. That is how I am intended to be, and I may not see why now, I know there is a reason. And I just hope that I don't let moment pass me by.

All the women up in me!

Ok, so if you must know I have a few girls up in here....There's the girl in my head, that bitch!! Then there's the girl that is my body. I think I have kicked her ass and hid her away a few times. Actually I was pretty sure I killed that one. Still not real sure I haven't. Then there's that diabetic chick, still trying to build her back up. And last is that pretend girl on the outside that everyone has seen over the last almost 10 years. She is the one I want to kill now. I want to find that body girl, and swap her with the one on the outside. For along time I didn't realize there were more than one lady up in here. The truth here is that there were more all along, but that outer girl ran the show. She was pretty much the asshole captain of this ship. The head girl was the VP, the body girl and diabetic girl were the punching bags, and the heart girl, me, was the pushover. 

Starting with that outer Steph. She is that funny, tough woman that everyone thought I was. She actually was far from tough, or strong. She was sick. She tried to smile, but inside she was pissed. She was pissed she had diabetes. She said screw diabetes, and she helped me pretend I didn't have it. So bc I was always feeling crappy with high blood sugars, she was irritable, frustrated, and a bitch. That I had mistaken for tough and strong. Yea my friends overtime knew the truth with that, but my family saw that person way too much...my parents, brother, husband, ad unfortunately my kids too. 

Then that head. She was/is all about enforcing that outer girl. She loved to eat whatever and whenever, and damn I could drop the lbs like crazy. But over time it was hard to prove that I was kicking the fitness world's ass to loose weight bc I had a hard time walking up my driveway. It's ok, bc I was skinny!! Yay me!

Then that body girl. She has been gone for so long, I don't even remember her. I am pretty sure I have never liked to workout, was always hungry, I never felt good, and sure that I would always feel that way. As for that diabetic girl...I missed her. Honestly I want her back bc she reminds me of who I am.  I don't want her to control me, but I do want her to remind me that she can be taken care of, and we can live together. 

Then there is me, my heart. I have always had such a great heart. I love people, and I want to always help and do things for people. But sometimes that head girl just won't allow me to. She would kick body's ass, and tell me I couldn't do certain things. She would remind me that I was angry, and that that person there, (whoever the unlucky person near by was) was the reason I am mad right now. There was always someone to blame....bc we know it wasn't me!

So I could really tell some good stories about all these women, but the point I wanted to share was who they are, what they have done, and how I am now, and in the future going to deal with them. So I have been fighting that head for a long time now, and most of the time she wins. But I have went from loosing every single time, to winning every now and then. And I see those wins just increasing more and more until the losses happen only sometimes, to never. And that bitch will hopefully be gone. In order to beat her, I had to break down that outer girl. How did that happen? Well opening myself up, this, to other women about what and who I am. To unleash my shame and admit to everyone what I have become. It was hard at first bc people that knew me, that wasn't real close would have never known this demon I held inside. She is still there some too, but she's got one foot in the grave. That body girl is so sick. She is so weak. Fixing her is so slow. And the more I see how weak she is, the more I want to fix her. But why the hell is this so hard? My body doesn't want to fight anymore. She wants to rest. She is in pain. My body suffers so much when I workout. I look around me and I see others burning, but I want to fall and cry and quit. But I haven't yet, bc I have so many times, and this is why she is so weak. It is hard to build her up. It is way to slow of a process, but I will not let her fall and hide anymore. For her to get fixed, the diabetic girl must get fixed too. I got all excited about bringing her back. I got a new blood glucose meter that talks, so there is no hiding a high sugar. And I love it. All excited like a new toy. I like to brag to my husband when we see those good sugar levels. I take so many meds for pain, I know that eventually these 2 ladies are going to get off all that bc they will be strong. 

Last there is me, my heart. She hurts so bad sometimes bc she is ashamed at how weak she really is. She sees her family, and she sees how much bs they have dealt with bc of me, and how much they will have to in our futures bc of me. As I type this my heart is so heavy, my eyes full of tears, and I keep telling myself not to give up, to fight, for them. Where I use to have no hope, the hope has shown up. She leaves sometimes, but she keeps coming back telling me that God is allowing me to suffer so I can help someone else someday. I will beat this, and this will be a story of my past. But it is hard, harder than I can try to explain. As this woman tries to come back to the front of who I am, I am finding parts of me that I forgot all about. I was so use to being angry, I forgot how awesome I really was. I forgot how happy and fun this woman is. I love her, and so does my family!

Only with God have I made it this far, and with God I will beat this!

This shall pass

Well it's 2 weeks into the new year, and coincidently that was when I decided to bust ass to get this life together....fat or not. And I have been doing really good. I have to fight the urges to binge, and I guess I will always love food, and want to eat and enjoy it. But I am having a hard time disconnecting  having a moment of enjoying some yummy junk food and taking my insulin. I went so many years with the belief that if I eat a bunch of crap, that if I don't take my shot, it will kind of go away and I won't gain weight. Even tho that way was killing me bc I was letting my sugar run extremly high. So now all of a sudden, I am trying to eat healthy and take my shots. The problem is that I love eating healthy, but when I want to have some crap, I feel like I just can't. And that is not the case!! I can, but then I feel like I will gain, so I immediatly don't want to take my shot. I relate unhealthy food as 'bad' and that means no shot...which is bad. Healthy food is good, and taking my shot it good. See the connection? My husband is trying to keep reminding me that I can eat the food, just take the shot...and that is good. So even tho I am taking my shots, I am gaining weight, and I have always looked at that as, bad. Another thing about recovery from diabulimia is insulin edema. This is when your body puffs up bc it has been so dehydrated, now on insulin it wants to hold all that water in. I thought I missed it this time, but WHAMM!!! I be puffy right now. But like my mom says, your kids would rather have a fat mama, than a skinny dead one. So I keep telling myself that when I start to get discouraged.
This will pass.
I have also not had any pop for 2 weeks! And if you know me, that is huge. Don't rem the last time I went that long without any pop! It wasn't even that I was trying to quit, just cut back. But after I did so good, I decided just to stick with it.
I have also been doing lots of working out, yoga, biking, walking, and a few workout videos. I even park in the farthest place at school, so I have to walk more. From my car, to class, and back it is over a mile.
And speaking class, I started back this week, and oh it feels so good to be back out and productive.
So it's not always easy, but I am doing so so good, and I appreciate all the support.

My Ah Haa Moment

I have struggled with my ED for about 8 years now, and only when I was pregnant with my children and when I was suffering from massive Diabetic Nuropathy have I taken better control of my diabetes than I am right now. As I say that I must say that this has only been since Wed, so this being my 6th day. That is pretty crazy to think that going on only 6 days is a big deal. But it is!!! My normal personal victories usually lasted hours, and a day or two at the longest. I could start my days good, make it through lunch, and if I made it till dinner, I would usually collaspe at night when I finally had time for myself. So almost every day I 'failed' and I hated myself for that. And instead of forgiving myself and moving on, I would dwell on it, and repeatidly tell myself how bad and weak I was. But tomorrow is a new day, a new start, and I should just enjoy all the food I want tonight so tomorrow I can be healthy.....that was how it usually worked every time.
Now if you think about what Wed was, you might assume that bc it was New Years Day that was my resolution or the reason that I am doing good. Well truthfully it had nothing to do with it. It was just a coincidense. But here is what really went down in my life and in my head.....
So New Years Eve I had a long, inspiring phone call with +Asha Brown , (which I already blogged about before). And every time we talk she really motivates me and gives me that boost of confidence that I need to either get going, or keep going. I got off the phone with her that day with a little different of a feeling. Well the feeling was the same, but there was something attached to that. Something that told me deep inside that it was different this time. This time that motivation wasn't going to wear off after a few days. I also that day just finished reading Eating to Lose by Maryjeanne Hunt. She was a diabetic and had also suffered with Diabulimia, and she recovered. Now for years I was 100% convinced that I could not beat my ED, that it was how I would eventually die. Hopeless. But when I started to find other women that had it, and beat it, I started to have that glimmer of hope. It grew, and grew, and as it got bigger, my choice to fight it got stronger. So here I was going into the night with a lot of inspiration and hope. Then just a little before midnight, (building up for it all night with the kids) I had some sort of emotional breakdown. My heart hurt, my mind hurt, and all these emotions that my ED covered came pouring out. I wanted to leave and be alone. So I decided I would escape to my parent's house about a mile away. Suddenly both my kids lost it also. They were too bawling, and screaming for me not to do. I wasn't exactly sure why they were so scared for me to leave, but later my daughter told me she thought I was 'leaving'....for good. As I was walking out the door I saw this look on her face of complete sadness and hurt. I can't even explain it. You see your children cry a lot through their life, but this was different. She was hysterical! I stopped, and came back in. I wasn't trying to upset my kids or husband, but I did.
Now in my blog, Dad, I wrote about my dad telling me to picture the hurt on my kid's faces as they lower me into the ground. And that was a hard image to picture. I tried, and it was a horrible thought. But it didn't hit me as hard as it did Tues night when I saw it on my daughter's face. And I thought, that is what they are going to be like when I selfishly die and leave them as young children without their mommy.
And like a bucket of water thrown in my face, I was awoke. Suddenly I was different, and that was it!
Now I've had moments where I have declared a new start, and they dwindle. Or I will do pretty good, but as soon as I get nervous about the weight I skip a shot, then 2, 3, then back to normal behaviors. But I have not skipped or taken less than recommened insulin since I woke up Wed. I poured my heart out to my husband, and he knows how much I need his support, and he has vowed to push and pull me through.
I don't want to set myself up for failure, and I know that the thoughts of omitting my insulin will happen. But I will not!!!!! No matter how fat my ass gets, my husband and my kids will love it!!!

A Look Back

As I was on the phone with my best supporter, +Asha Brown yesterday, I always get a good perspective of where I am and where I use to be. And that woman can really be am amazing eye-opener. It's like watching a child or pet grow right before your eyes but you don't see the changes physically take place. But when you look at a photograph of the far or even near past you notice so many changes. That is what Asha does for me!!
When you are in a constant battle with something it is very easy to focus on how hard it is, or has been. It is easy to see how many times you have failed. The more you continue to remind yourself of how hard something is, and how much you fail at it, the more you beat yourself...down, down, and down some more. And when I am down it just gets harder and harder. And as you can see the circle of defeat, difficulty, and depression gets thicker and thicker. THEN, something or someone can help you so much by opening your eyes to these times where you have kicked this battle's ass!!!! It might not be every time, and it may only be a small battle, but you still did it!!! And yes you may have failed some, but you didn't fail all. And something that +Asha Brown said to me yesterday was even if you aren't taking a big step forward, if you are only treading water and staying in the same place, you are STILL not going back. And that is a success, and that really is a step forward!!!
So what happens when she pops a hole in my thick circle? All that shit that ha piled up against me kind blows away. Now I'll be damned if it doesn't slowly start to pile up again, (but that's when we talk again, and she breaks in for me again), but for now I am pumped up, motivated, and proud of myself for how far I have came.
I have mountains to climb up and down before I consider myself recoverd from my ED, but when I stop and take a look back this is what I see....
     Almost 5 years ago I was 100lbs and in the worse physical pain I can imagine
    Carried a freezer bag of Rx
    3 years ago I had lost so much fat and muscle my butt was literally inverted 
    I couldn't even walk at ani incline with out thinking I would collaspe
   1 1/2 years ago my ankle began to chip away and I was in a boot for 6 months....breaking 
   1 year ago I was carried into the ER almost dead spending days in the ICU
   Jan 2013 (30 yrs old) I was preparing to have cataract surgery in both my eyes
   6 months ago I weighed 150lbs and was so afraid....but was healthier
   3 months ago I am learning to eat and exercise for my health not my weight
NOW...
I am terrified of what I still have to do to beat this. I am at a level weight that is right for my body. I am able to enjoy playing and being active with my children is fabulous, not exhausting. I have opened up my life and story to anyone that wants to hear it, and am determined to use this war to help someone else. It is all worth it if I can one day help someone pull threw it like +Asha Brown has done  for me.
I thank God for bringing Asha into my life to pull and push me up and down these mountains of war to get me in recovery and one day be fully recovered!!