Ok, so if you must know I have a few girls up in here....There's the girl in my head, that bitch!! Then there's the girl that is my body. I think I have kicked her ass and hid her away a few times. Actually I was pretty sure I killed that one. Still not real sure I haven't. Then there's that diabetic chick, still trying to build her back up. And last is that pretend girl on the outside that everyone has seen over the last almost 10 years. She is the one I want to kill now. I want to find that body girl, and swap her with the one on the outside. For along time I didn't realize there were more than one lady up in here. The truth here is that there were more all along, but that outer girl ran the show. She was pretty much the asshole captain of this ship. The head girl was the VP, the body girl and diabetic girl were the punching bags, and the heart girl, me, was the pushover.
Starting with that outer Steph. She is that funny, tough woman that everyone thought I was. She actually was far from tough, or strong. She was sick. She tried to smile, but inside she was pissed. She was pissed she had diabetes. She said screw diabetes, and she helped me pretend I didn't have it. So bc I was always feeling crappy with high blood sugars, she was irritable, frustrated, and a bitch. That I had mistaken for tough and strong. Yea my friends overtime knew the truth with that, but my family saw that person way too much...my parents, brother, husband, ad unfortunately my kids too.
Then that head. She was/is all about enforcing that outer girl. She loved to eat whatever and whenever, and damn I could drop the lbs like crazy. But over time it was hard to prove that I was kicking the fitness world's ass to loose weight bc I had a hard time walking up my driveway. It's ok, bc I was skinny!! Yay me!
Then that body girl. She has been gone for so long, I don't even remember her. I am pretty sure I have never liked to workout, was always hungry, I never felt good, and sure that I would always feel that way. As for that diabetic girl...I missed her. Honestly I want her back bc she reminds me of who I am. I don't want her to control me, but I do want her to remind me that she can be taken care of, and we can live together.
Then there is me, my heart. I have always had such a great heart. I love people, and I want to always help and do things for people. But sometimes that head girl just won't allow me to. She would kick body's ass, and tell me I couldn't do certain things. She would remind me that I was angry, and that that person there, (whoever the unlucky person near by was) was the reason I am mad right now. There was always someone to blame....bc we know it wasn't me!
So I could really tell some good stories about all these women, but the point I wanted to share was who they are, what they have done, and how I am now, and in the future going to deal with them. So I have been fighting that head for a long time now, and most of the time she wins. But I have went from loosing every single time, to winning every now and then. And I see those wins just increasing more and more until the losses happen only sometimes, to never. And that bitch will hopefully be gone. In order to beat her, I had to break down that outer girl. How did that happen? Well opening myself up, this, to other women about what and who I am. To unleash my shame and admit to everyone what I have become. It was hard at first bc people that knew me, that wasn't real close would have never known this demon I held inside. She is still there some too, but she's got one foot in the grave. That body girl is so sick. She is so weak. Fixing her is so slow. And the more I see how weak she is, the more I want to fix her. But why the hell is this so hard? My body doesn't want to fight anymore. She wants to rest. She is in pain. My body suffers so much when I workout. I look around me and I see others burning, but I want to fall and cry and quit. But I haven't yet, bc I have so many times, and this is why she is so weak. It is hard to build her up. It is way to slow of a process, but I will not let her fall and hide anymore. For her to get fixed, the diabetic girl must get fixed too. I got all excited about bringing her back. I got a new blood glucose meter that talks, so there is no hiding a high sugar. And I love it. All excited like a new toy. I like to brag to my husband when we see those good sugar levels. I take so many meds for pain, I know that eventually these 2 ladies are going to get off all that bc they will be strong.
Last there is me, my heart. She hurts so bad sometimes bc she is ashamed at how weak she really is. She sees her family, and she sees how much bs they have dealt with bc of me, and how much they will have to in our futures bc of me. As I type this my heart is so heavy, my eyes full of tears, and I keep telling myself not to give up, to fight, for them. Where I use to have no hope, the hope has shown up. She leaves sometimes, but she keeps coming back telling me that God is allowing me to suffer so I can help someone else someday. I will beat this, and this will be a story of my past. But it is hard, harder than I can try to explain. As this woman tries to come back to the front of who I am, I am finding parts of me that I forgot all about. I was so use to being angry, I forgot how awesome I really was. I forgot how happy and fun this woman is. I love her, and so does my family!
Only with God have I made it this far, and with God I will beat this!
No comments:
Post a Comment