I have struggled with my ED for about 8 years now, and only when I was pregnant with my children and when I was suffering from massive Diabetic Nuropathy have I taken better control of my diabetes than I am right now. As I say that I must say that this has only been since Wed, so this being my 6th day. That is pretty crazy to think that going on only 6 days is a big deal. But it is!!! My normal personal victories usually lasted hours, and a day or two at the longest. I could start my days good, make it through lunch, and if I made it till dinner, I would usually collaspe at night when I finally had time for myself. So almost every day I 'failed' and I hated myself for that. And instead of forgiving myself and moving on, I would dwell on it, and repeatidly tell myself how bad and weak I was. But tomorrow is a new day, a new start, and I should just enjoy all the food I want tonight so tomorrow I can be healthy.....that was how it usually worked every time.
Now if you think about what Wed was, you might assume that bc it was New Years Day that was my resolution or the reason that I am doing good. Well truthfully it had nothing to do with it. It was just a coincidense. But here is what really went down in my life and in my head.....
So New Years Eve I had a long, inspiring phone call with +Asha Brown , (which I already blogged about before). And every time we talk she really motivates me and gives me that boost of confidence that I need to either get going, or keep going. I got off the phone with her that day with a little different of a feeling. Well the feeling was the same, but there was something attached to that. Something that told me deep inside that it was different this time. This time that motivation wasn't going to wear off after a few days. I also that day just finished reading Eating to Lose by Maryjeanne Hunt. She was a diabetic and had also suffered with Diabulimia, and she recovered. Now for years I was 100% convinced that I could not beat my ED, that it was how I would eventually die. Hopeless. But when I started to find other women that had it, and beat it, I started to have that glimmer of hope. It grew, and grew, and as it got bigger, my choice to fight it got stronger. So here I was going into the night with a lot of inspiration and hope. Then just a little before midnight, (building up for it all night with the kids) I had some sort of emotional breakdown. My heart hurt, my mind hurt, and all these emotions that my ED covered came pouring out. I wanted to leave and be alone. So I decided I would escape to my parent's house about a mile away. Suddenly both my kids lost it also. They were too bawling, and screaming for me not to do. I wasn't exactly sure why they were so scared for me to leave, but later my daughter told me she thought I was 'leaving'....for good. As I was walking out the door I saw this look on her face of complete sadness and hurt. I can't even explain it. You see your children cry a lot through their life, but this was different. She was hysterical! I stopped, and came back in. I wasn't trying to upset my kids or husband, but I did.
Now in my blog, Dad, I wrote about my dad telling me to picture the hurt on my kid's faces as they lower me into the ground. And that was a hard image to picture. I tried, and it was a horrible thought. But it didn't hit me as hard as it did Tues night when I saw it on my daughter's face. And I thought, that is what they are going to be like when I selfishly die and leave them as young children without their mommy.
And like a bucket of water thrown in my face, I was awoke. Suddenly I was different, and that was it!
Now I've had moments where I have declared a new start, and they dwindle. Or I will do pretty good, but as soon as I get nervous about the weight I skip a shot, then 2, 3, then back to normal behaviors. But I have not skipped or taken less than recommened insulin since I woke up Wed. I poured my heart out to my husband, and he knows how much I need his support, and he has vowed to push and pull me through.
I don't want to set myself up for failure, and I know that the thoughts of omitting my insulin will happen. But I will not!!!!! No matter how fat my ass gets, my husband and my kids will love it!!!
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