Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Mother's impact!

A big question that I find a lot of us with any kind of eating disorder asks ourselves is why and how did I turn out like this. You hear about people with EDs and you just think, what the hell is wrong with them. Just stop! Then one day you look in the mirror and that person is now you. You didn't even notice it happening.  It feels like you just woke up one day and this blanet of an ED is smothering you.
I have thought about it for years, what happened to make me like this? When did it happen? Who possibly had such a stong influance over my life to push me, (maybe a little, maybe a lot) to be so insecure, and think that weight and appearance is so important? Some times I feel like trying to 'blame' someone else is the coward's way out. I feel like pointing a finger at someone else is justifying my shameful behavior. The truth is there are many factors that can lead a person to pick up this horrible, painful issue. BUT.........
I have talked to so many ladies that are suffering from some kind of ED or body issues since I have put myself out there, and opened up about my struggle. I have blogged before about how so many women that I may know decent, or just know of them, or even complete strangers have opened up to me about some sort of inner demon they have, and most of them are about their bodies. The one thing that they all have in common is that they have reasons to feel that their mother's have contributed to them developing their insecurities. 
Some of their mothers did it so innocently, like just the constant weighing themselves, talking about dieting, talking about their weight, comments about other women's weight and appearnace, good or bad. Some moms even ate completely different food than what the rest of their family ate. Then there are other mothers who were more intense with pushing their daughters to insecurities. It could be telling them something negative about their appearance, or needing to loose weight. Even joking around about it, sometimes infront of others. There are moms that put their children on diets, put them down if they weren't skinny enough, making them feel less important and loved because they didn't meet up to their standards. 
I see how my relationship with my mother has had certain affects on me, and I know she never meant to give me any insecurities. But for my whole life, and memories of my mother, she constantly complained about her weight. Every morning she would weight herself right before her bath, (she probable still does today). She did weight watchers, and has wrote down her points for the longest time. She probably still does today. Oprah's new way of trying to loose weight was the new plan. On the phone with friends and sisters, complaining about her weight. Insecure of her body at the beach. I never saw her love her body. And my dad would pick on her about any extra weight she would gain. And this whole time, my bother and I were never taught about food control. My brother and I were both chubby, all of our family pets were fat too. We had no restrictions on food. We ate whatever we want, whenever we wanted. My favorite was cereal as I laid in bed. My aunt would make cakes, and I would get all the extra icing in containers to just eat by the spoonful. My brother and I would whip up a batch of cookie dough, just to eat, no baking. I heard about how small she was as a teen, when she was pregnant, and it seemed as if her whole adult life, she was never happy with herself, all because of a few extra lbs. What does that do to a daughter, and a son? Well it definitly teaches you what is important....the wrong things. And as for my brother, he's on the other side of the spectrum. That's a whole other blog. 
So I look back now, and I can connect this as a part of me and what I have become. But that is not the whole reason, and I don't know if I will ever know the whole reason. Sadly I do the same things that she did. I use to weigh myself all the time, had to toss that scale. I know I have talked many times about my weight, or others in front of my kids, thinking they don't pay attention to that. But they do. Since I am diabetic, they do know that certain foods are more unhealthy for me that others, so I use that for healthy talk. I never tell them certain foods will make them gain weight, but I try to use healthy and unhealthy for our bodies talk. But there is such a fine line. I don't want them to ever have an out of control food problem like me, but I also don't want them to have to struggle with their weight. I don't want them to think that size is a factor in how beautiful a person is. 
I don't want them to be me. 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Living the guilty life

Secrets only remain secrets for so long. Sometimes that can be a long long time, and sometimes that can be a short while. It seemed like the secret that I have a crazy eating disorder remained a secret to most people for a long time. It felt like an eternity that I was holding all that in, (the ones closest to me figured it out sooner). The secret of an ED isn't one secret, bc you have to use secrets and lies to cover the big secret. Those lies an secrets just keep branching out more and more, and you can't even remember what they are anymore, and who does and does not know the truth.
For a long time people close to me thought I was bulimic. Who can eat like I do, and not gain weight...someone that throws up their food, that's who. This was a belief bc my ED, Diabulimia, is not out there in the media like bulimia and anorexia. To add to that belief was that I did have stomach issues. Bac in 2009 I suffered the most horrible pain and experience of my life. I got very intense diabetic neuropathy. My definition is a very long one bc I suffered with this for almost a year, and I was ready for someone to end my life if I had to live in that misery forever. But here is Mayo clinic's def...

Depending on the affected nerves, symptoms of diabetic neuropathy can range from pain and numbness in your extremities to problems with your digestive system, urinary tract, blood vessels and heart. For some people, these symptoms are mild; for others, diabetic neuropathy can be painful, disabling and even fatal.
I got the worse of all they list here, and even though mine reversed a lot, I still have trouble with most of this today. One is the digestive system. When a normal person eats till they are full, they just feel a little discomfort. I eat till I am full, and I suffer with hours of pain and misery in my stomach, and a lot of the time, I end up vomiting food, drink, and acid. So with my eating addiction, this does happen often. 
Now to get back on track of living the guilty life...
So my mind works like this..it's Christmas, and part of the holiday season is making Christmas goodies. That's normal, right? What kind of mommy would I be if we didn't make cookies. So yesterday evening we didn't have girls scouts, boyscouts, gymnastics, basketball, so we planned to make cookies and homemade pizza, and eat dinner infront of the tv watching a Christmas Story. I want to always do fun stuff, (part of my guilt for all the times I am sick). As we mae the cookies, I have my fair, or unfair, taste of cookie dough. Then as they come out of the oven I must taste them to make sure they turned out ok. As we are making out pizza I am still ensuring the turnout of the cookies, and since I was a child I loved to eat pizza dough. So I am now trying that, and sampling the sausage, cheese, and pepperoni. This goes on until we are sitting down to eat. Now as part of the secrecy I am doing all this tasting w/out any witnesses. I don't want my kids to see bc I don't want them to think that behavior is ok. I don't want my husband to see bc he will 'bust' me. So I eat the smallest portion of pizza....look everyone, I am not over eating. As the movie is one my stomach is in misery. I feel horrible, to put it lightly. By a little after 8pm I am in the bathroom throwing up all that slop. This is not me forcing it. This is how my body deals with all that food. Then I am in bed by 830. My husband has to clean everything up, tuck the kids in, while I suffer from my selfish ways. The sadest of all, is this is normal for my kids to see, so they have no reaction. 
Then this am, my husband says to me, I think we need to quit with the baking cookies!!! WHAT!!! But I only had 3. He then says I don't think it was the pizza, and you def had more than 3. And I don't even think it's the cookies as much as the dough.        This whole time, I thought he wasn't aware of what I was doing, but he was. So all these crazy habits I have, that I try to hide, they aren't really hidden. My parents, my friends, my husband all sees what I am doing. 
And if they all see it, my kids must too. 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

retrain my brain

When you get to the point of all that first step is accepting you have a problem stuff, well then what's step 2? I have found that I repeat that first step over and over and yep over again. And when you are trying to fix your problem on your own, (without professional help) how do you figure out what the next steps of healing are? I have talked to others, did research, learn about it in classes I take in school, read books, but I have no idea how to fix myself. If you were to ask me a question about recovery I would be able to give you some good educated answere on the 'correct' way to eat, think, and move on from a life of abuse. But damn it if it's another one of those situations of easier said than done.
Specifically how do you retrain the brain?
For years and years now I have been able to eat what/whenever I want and not only not gain, but loose weight. So eating carbs, cakes, candy, and all the stuff that is oh so good, was automatically connected with no insulin, and weight loss. Well now that I am always trying to restart this healthy life, I see it as only 2 ways....
1. Eat super healthy. Lots of fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean proteins, nice moderate exercise. This is the way to be healthy. And when I live like this taking my insulin and maintaining my diabetes is easy. But sticking to this way is not always so easy for me.
2. Have that treat you want sometimes, lets say cookies. But for all these years the cookie food is connected with no insulin, high blood sugar, and weight loss.
I look at these foods that will fall into option 2 as bad food. Bad food=no insulin=killing myself=fail....again. This happens so much. Always being told, bad, fail. I can't seperate these thougths from these foods. I don't know why. I can't accept that I can have these treats in moderation, take my shots, and learn to be like every other person out there. Moderation?? I haven't had to practice that well in a long long time.
All these thoughts in your head  all the time remind you that you're crazy. What they hoot is wrong with me?If people only saw inside my mind, and could hear these ideas that I come up with, they would think, know, I am crazy.
Well this week I was talking to a dear friend of mine that has suffered with the same problems I do. Diabetes, eating disorder, and she has been in recovery for a long time. And wouldn't you know she was very familiar with this exact thought process. She too had at one time, only had these 2 options for food choices. She faught them, and overtime she won. They went away. And she now enjoys her treats.....in moderation. She enjoys them, and she should!!
I wasn't alone. When you have these horrible inner demons tormenting you, you can't imagine that other people think like you do. But they do. Everyone has some kind of inner demon. To know that you're not alone, and others have beat this shit, is the best feeling.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

you too?

So I have only been doing my blog for about a month now, and I can't even begin to tell you how many people have opened up their hearts to me with love and support, but also how many have opened up to tell me their stories of living/suffering with body issues or eating disorders. There are so many little things that you think only you go through, or that little things that you obsess over. That is about as far from the truth as it gets.
Think for a moment about that perfect person. They might be the perfect mom, wife, friend, they look so good. You think you would give anything to live like they live. Do you have an idea of a person you have caught your self having those feelings about. Well let me tell you how since I have opened up my faults and struggles, so many people that I thought that about have told me their struggles. Women that I have wondered how they stay so thin.....oh shit they have an eating disorder too. Women that I think are so beautiful....seriously they binge eat when no one is around. There's that mom that never looses her cool like me....woah, she just told me she yells at her husband and kids bc she is so irritated from feeling like crap. Women have opened up to me about how inecure they are, how they have major body issues, they love to eat....a lot, they have illnesses no one know about, and how much they hurt.
I hate to see anyone suffering. But I love to see I am not alone. All the amazing emails I have gotten personally, the private msgs I have gotten on fb, and even the love and openess I have recieved from people out in public have just touched me so much. I am not alone, and it helps me to hear that there are more people that struggle than you think....and I mean a lot more.
Keep opening up. Let it out, and show others that we all have our own issues, and we are all beautiful. That woman that you envisioned, chanes are she too has some sort of major issue. She may only look perfect bc she is doing it at a cost.
I want to reach more, many, and have them reach eachother. If anyone wants to post a blog on my blog, I would love that too. So if you are feeling the need to unleash the pressure, do it, and if you want, do it here. Msg me, and I can open up a thing to write it on here.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Dad

Most people that know me knows that I am pretty close with my dad. He is a one of a kind person that has come so far in his life, and as a person, that I only wish to grow like him in my life. When most people go to their best friends first for advice, or just to have an ear to listen, I usually go to him. He has this way with words and people that can make you take a look at yourself and see it in a different way. This being said, he has not been the best in understanding my diabetes or my eating disorder. He has overcame so many things that my problems are easy. But he has always given me faith in my self and God that there are reasons that I have such strong crosses to carry.
My heart has been so heavy lately with fear that I will not beat the battle with my ED, and that will lead to my diabetes killing me. I cry regularly, terrified that even if today I could instantly recover from my ED there has to be so much damage done from years of high blood sugar that my life will end young anyways. I watch movies with just scenes of grandparents and I cry because I am terrified that I have cheated myself out of reaching that one day. Just last night I watched a video about Phil Robertson (from Duck Dynasty) and how far down he was, he turned his life around, and what a happy life he has now. I don't mean $$ either. That is something that my errors won't be like. I can't repair my physical body. But that is not the worse part. As sad as it is that I am cheating myself, I am cheating my family.....my amazing children.
So today I got a surprise phone call from my dad. It wasn't just the normal chit chat. He told me he prays before he calls me to know how/what to talk to me about, (i am very defensive when this subject gets brought up). He began to ask how I was doing with my battle, and we just got right into how much I struggle, and the thoughts I have, and how I just feel like a failure. defeated. hopeless.
I always wonder why just thinking about my children hasn't snapped me out of this eating disorder. That should be so easy. Today the talk wasn't about me, and my missing out. It was about my kids. And my dad just put it out straight to think of my kids and the look on their faces. He told me to picture my kids having to come to the hospital, seeing me all hooked up to machines, not knowing when I am going to die. He told me to think of the unimaginable pain they are going to be in as they stare at their mommy in that coffin. As I pictured that scene, as I am right now, my heart broke. My tears poured, and I was overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. They don't deserve that. And they don't deserve all that they have already seen their mommy go through. 
I have really been at a crossroads this week. I started this I will not omit my insulin anymore, even if I only take a little. But I am afraid that I don't have the time to work my way to regular doses of insulin. I need to do it now!!!
So God knew I was really down, and he used my dad to reach me today. It hurt so much, but it couldn't have been at a more important moment. 
I just want to thank God for all the extra chances I've gotten, and for my amazing family.