Dad

Most people that know me knows that I am pretty close with my dad. He is a one of a kind person that has come so far in his life, and as a person, that I only wish to grow like him in my life. When most people go to their best friends first for advice, or just to have an ear to listen, I usually go to him. He has this way with words and people that can make you take a look at yourself and see it in a different way. This being said, he has not been the best in understanding my diabetes or my eating disorder. He has overcame so many things that my problems are easy. But he has always given me faith in my self and God that there are reasons that I have such strong crosses to carry.

My heart has been so heavy lately with fear that I will not beat the battle with my ED, and that will lead to my diabetes killing me. I cry regularly, terrified that even if today I could instantly recover from my ED there has to be so much damage done from years of high blood sugar that my life will end young anyways. I watch movies with just scenes of grandparents and I cry because I am terrified that I have cheated myself out of reaching that one day. Just last night I watched a video about Phil Robertson (from Duck Dynasty) and how far down he was, he turned his life around, and what a happy life he has now. I don't mean $$ either. That is something that my errors won't be like. I can't repair my physical body. But that is not the worse part. As sad as it is that I am cheating myself, I am cheating my family.....my amazing children.

So today I got a surprise phone call from my dad. It wasn't just the normal chit chat. He told me he prays before he calls me to know how/what to talk to me about, (i am very defensive when this subject gets brought up). He began to ask how I was doing with my battle, and we just got right into how much I struggle, and the thoughts I have, and how I just feel like a failure. defeated. hopeless.

I always wonder why just thinking about my children hasn't snapped me out of this eating disorder. That should be so easy. Today the talk wasn't about me, and my missing out. It was about my kids. And my dad just put it out straight to think of my kids and the look on their faces. He told me to picture my kids having to come to the hospital, seeing me all hooked up to machines, not knowing when I am going to die. He told me to think of the unimaginable pain they are going to be in as they stare at their mommy in that coffin. As I pictured that scene, as I am right now, my heart broke. My tears poured, and I was overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. They don't deserve that. And they don't deserve all that they have already seen their mommy go through. 

I have really been at a crossroads this week. I started this I will not omit my insulin anymore, even if I only take a little. But I am afraid that I don't have the time to work my way to regular doses of insulin. I need to do it now!!!

So God knew I was really down, and he used my dad to reach me today. It hurt so much, but it couldn't have been at a more important moment. 

I just want to thank God for all the extra chances I've gotten, and for my amazing family.