For a long time people close to me thought I was bulimic. Who can eat like I do, and not gain weight...someone that throws up their food, that's who. This was a belief bc my ED, Diabulimia, is not out there in the media like bulimia and anorexia. To add to that belief was that I did have stomach issues. Bac in 2009 I suffered the most horrible pain and experience of my life. I got very intense diabetic neuropathy. My definition is a very long one bc I suffered with this for almost a year, and I was ready for someone to end my life if I had to live in that misery forever. But here is Mayo clinic's def...
Depending on the affected nerves, symptoms of diabetic neuropathy can range from pain and numbness in your extremities to problems with your digestive system, urinary tract, blood vessels and heart. For some people, these symptoms are mild; for others, diabetic neuropathy can be painful, disabling and even fatal.
I got the worse of all they list here, and even though mine reversed a lot, I still have trouble with most of this today. One is the digestive system. When a normal person eats till they are full, they just feel a little discomfort. I eat till I am full, and I suffer with hours of pain and misery in my stomach, and a lot of the time, I end up vomiting food, drink, and acid. So with my eating addiction, this does happen often.
Now to get back on track of living the guilty life...
So my mind works like this..it's Christmas, and part of the holiday season is making Christmas goodies. That's normal, right? What kind of mommy would I be if we didn't make cookies. So yesterday evening we didn't have girls scouts, boyscouts, gymnastics, basketball, so we planned to make cookies and homemade pizza, and eat dinner infront of the tv watching a Christmas Story. I want to always do fun stuff, (part of my guilt for all the times I am sick). As we mae the cookies, I have my fair, or unfair, taste of cookie dough. Then as they come out of the oven I must taste them to make sure they turned out ok. As we are making out pizza I am still ensuring the turnout of the cookies, and since I was a child I loved to eat pizza dough. So I am now trying that, and sampling the sausage, cheese, and pepperoni. This goes on until we are sitting down to eat. Now as part of the secrecy I am doing all this tasting w/out any witnesses. I don't want my kids to see bc I don't want them to think that behavior is ok. I don't want my husband to see bc he will 'bust' me. So I eat the smallest portion of pizza....look everyone, I am not over eating. As the movie is one my stomach is in misery. I feel horrible, to put it lightly. By a little after 8pm I am in the bathroom throwing up all that slop. This is not me forcing it. This is how my body deals with all that food. Then I am in bed by 830. My husband has to clean everything up, tuck the kids in, while I suffer from my selfish ways. The sadest of all, is this is normal for my kids to see, so they have no reaction.
Then this am, my husband says to me, I think we need to quit with the baking cookies!!! WHAT!!! But I only had 3. He then says I don't think it was the pizza, and you def had more than 3. And I don't even think it's the cookies as much as the dough. This whole time, I thought he wasn't aware of what I was doing, but he was. So all these crazy habits I have, that I try to hide, they aren't really hidden. My parents, my friends, my husband all sees what I am doing.
And if they all see it, my kids must too.
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