Helpless Mama

When you envision yourself as a parent you don't usually picture the hard times. The sad. The heartbreaking. You dream of the happy moments with your child. Their joy, the memories you'll make. You never dream that your child will have problems...small ones or big ones. You plan to teach your child to be well behaved, honest, and kind. You will teach your child to be nice to others. Not to be a bully. But you don't think about the idea that what if your child is the one being bullied and picked on.
My son Cole has always been one of the biggest joys in our family. His talents and memories of facts and riddles have always amazed me. His unique sense of humor always put smiles on our faces. As the little boy grew there were little things that separated him from his peers. I admired them. I thought that Cole had no fear of being who he was and who he wanted to be. He didn't feel the need to follow the crowd...he didn't like sports and other popular trends that others did, and that was more than ok with me. I wanted Cole to embrace who he was, and always be happy with that.
There are so many wonderful stories to share that would paint the perfect picture of Cole and our journey as a family through his diagnosis of Autism. But that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this to tell you about Cole's struggles through his first year of middle school. His struggles with other kids. His struggles about being accepted for who he is.
There is only one month left of his 6th grade year, and I could not be happier. This year has been quite torturous for him and us as his parents.  For some reason this age really brings out the worse in kids. They are selfish, awkward, and so very unkind. But there are some that are kind, happy, and want to make others feel loved and happy too. The past few years have gotten harder and harder as he has been approaching the preteen years. The older the kids have gotten the more apparent it is that there is a difference between Cole and his peers. And he knows it, and they know it.
Cole's older sister has a lot of friends and keeps quite busy with her friends. Cole would question why she is always going to birthday parties and getting invited to sleepovers while he is not. I wanted to keep her home so he wouldn't feel left out, but I can't punish her because her brother has autism. I would try to set up play dates and sleepovers for him, and would go through my contacts desperately trying to get with friends that had kids that my son could possibly play with. And there were almost always invited to our house. "Why can't I spend the night at their house?" he would ask. I couldn't tell him that he just didn't get invited. I had to try to go over the top to make our house fun so he would enjoy having kids over. But these kids were mostly relatives or kids of my friends. It was rare that he made friends at school and outside gatherings would happen. There were so many birthday parties where only a few would come. Again, mostly my friends and relatives. The last few years his parties would be at the swimming pool because it seemed to lure kids in. A trip to the pool, not necessarily a trip to Cole's birthday party. Cole would light up when the pool would fill with kids from school. I would literally come eat lunch with him and bring a handful of invitations, and give them to almost everyone in his grade. We'd be lucky to have 15-20 come.
This year has barely been completed. We have picked him up so much or allowed him to stay home so much that he is not allowed to miss any more days of school, even though he is an honor roll student. But when your child hates school and feels so out of place it is hard to force them to go. He doesn't like to talk a lot about school because he recently told me that he doesn't want me to think that there is something wrong with him. He often eats alone at lunch, walks alone in the halls, sits alone at gym while the other kids play, and is treated like Forrest Gump on the school bus because everyone says "you can't sit here." I had his teacher tell me the other day that she offered to walk around the track with him during recess. Kind of her, but who really wants that as an 11 year old.
This is just a quick idea of school for our family. But this isn't even a crack in the door. Cole has talked of suicide, been pushed down multiple times, called lots of names, head into the locker, basketball to the nose....bleeding, cursed at, laughed at, and spends most of the day with his thoughts while other kids laugh, share stories and fun. My husband and I just spent our 10th anniversary out to dinner talking the whole time about how heartbreaking it is for us to imagine what a day is like for our son.
I am going to continue to blog on this subject because things need to change. I am going to share some of Cole's experiences, good and bad. I am going to share good things that the school has done and try to do, and things that the school desperately need to work on. The anti-bullying idea has become more talked about...but that is just it. It is only being talked about. There needs to be more action. Kids NEED to learn how to treat other kids. How to be kind. How to love. Empathy. And I am going to make it my mission to make sure that things change. Please share this with everyone you know. I want parents to read this and talk with their kids. They need to be told more that just not to be a bully. They need to learn how to stand up for, speak up for, and be friends with everyone. My motto is now: STAND UP SPEAK UP AND LOVE UP

This journey is going to be sad and I will be sharing my heart and tears with you. Please join me in making a difference by accepting and promoting difference!!